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The CFB Roast: A Holiday Airing of Grievances

As the college football season begins, I've decided that it's only fitting we bring in the lowest lows of each area college football program. Now I know what you're thinking, a Kansas alum talking about college football lowlights. How fitting! An expert writing this article! Listen, I know KU football is not the best...at best. Forgive me for being optimistic. Some of you fanbases need to be taken down a peg, off your high horse of college football wins and bowl appearances. I've had enough. Let's get started...and don't worry. I'll still do Kansas, and I will also do a highlights article. Gotta keep it fair.


Nebraska: The first team of the hour. As I watched Nebraska crumble today to a perennial Big Ten bottom-feeder in Northwestern, I think back to the times of a good Kansas football team, a team that absolutely dismantled the Huskers 76-39 and 40-15, in what were offensive masterpieces. Nebraska has been overrated for far, far too long, really since 2001, where Big Red got humbled in a 62-36 thrashing by Colorado with the Big 12 North on the line, or should we talk about your loss in Lincoln 21-17 to SOUTHERN MISS in 2004? Not to mention another 70 burger against you at Tech that year too. How about debuting in the Big Ten with a 48-17 blowout against Wisconsin? "In Frost We Trust" Give me a break. 5-22 is definitely not ideal for 5 years in, you trust that? Even Kansas would fire their coach after that!


Kansas State: Bill Snyder is not God, he's a nice old man that just so happens to be a good football coach. Say what you will about the whole "Players aren't allowed to have long hair" schtick or any of the "authoritarian" stuff, or the Oregon game where De'Anthony Thomas embarrassed you because you didn't adapt to a fast paced modern offense (That eventually gave way to an even MORE modern offense that blew that offense out of the water), or the fact that even after all that winning you are STILL behind Kansas in total wins. You keep saying you own Kansas, in what way? Animal husbandry? You guys are too easy, and that's why you'll always be little brother.


Missouri: You want to talk about Maty Mauk or Drew Lock first? Or perhaps you fancy Blaine Gabbert? Are NFL GMs picking your guys' quarterbacks just based on of how good of a pitcher Max Scherzer is? John Elway or whatever no name GM that ran the 2012 Jaguars I'd expect to do that honestly but come on. Chase Daniel is your quarterback claim to fame and the man is known for making money by sitting on his butt holding a clipboard. Dorial Green-Beckham would not have been the next Randy Moss if he just stayed out of trouble, you are just delusional. Your all TIME claim to fame in terms of NFL players is Kellen Winslow, which is respectable. Not for an SEC team though, however. In fact, are you ever gonna gain respect in the SEC ever again, or were your first couple years a complete fluke? Does the term "5th Down" still haunt your souls or is that just the ones that can remember when Missouri was actually worth their salt?


Iowa: Are you guys still pressed about all the Big Ten Championship losses? What about the time Christian McCaffery ripped you apart on national television during the Rose Bowl? At least you guys can consistently beat the next team on my list, otherwise there'd be MUCH more to talk about in terms of Big 12/Big Ten supremacy. The deteriorating Huskers waxed you 57-0 in 2008, or do you want to talk about the loss to North Dakota State? 2010 was horrendously disappointing and will always live on as the story of the Iowa Hawkeyes. Great expectations that they can never live up to. Sounds familiar...Nebraska?


Iowa State: Seneca Wallace is your NFL claim to fame. You know, that guy on the Browns quarterback jersey with all the crossed out names on it? Yeah, he's crossed out on there. You're just as overrated as your in-state big brother as of recent, your coach is a hothead, Brock Purdy did not deserve the Heisman hype, and you've only just now became relevant. 10 years ago you were just another Kansas, a bottom-feeder of the NFL, but hey! You've moved up to middle of the pack and will never be able to best Oklahoma, Texas, or Baylor! Congratulations!


Kansas: Saving the best for last y'all. *Crack Knuckles* This is only out of love, I'm sorry. Mark Mangino was not fired for being a big, angry dude. I don't think I've ever MET a football coach that wasn't a big, angry dude, at least in some respect. He was fired because he was a one-hit wonder. The 2008 team completely collapsed under the pressure of potential, and it's all been down hill from here. Say "I'm a KU football fan" in public and you get concerned looks, followed by hearty laughter. This program has been the biggest factory of sadness I have ever seen over the past 13 years, from hiring Charlie Weiss to hiring a senile (and perverted) Les Miles. Lance Leipold gives me hope...that we will win 3 games this year. The most wins we've had in 8 years. Baker Mayfield may have disrespected you and been a fool, but honestly? What did you expect when he proceeded to demolish you? I hope and pray I see the comeback of KU football, but for 13 years now I have felt like Todd Reesing picking turf out of his mask at the end of the '07 Border War. Man that game was cold...and was perhaps the cause of my chronic depression...


There you have it. The annual airing of grievances before the season really gets started. You may hate me for going after your team more than the next guy. I will receive your hate, counterarguments, counter-roasts, and overall vitriol with a grain of salt, and may also put you on blast in the ScorchCast. Let me know your thoughts though, and don't be scared. Remember, I made fun of EVERY area team, so don't be upset. Like I said, this is a time for the airing of grievances, the holiday season is upon us! Welcome back college football!


Burn Notice: 10/10 Sorry Coach Pearson, Big Red is burnt out.

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ScorchCast 2/28/2024

https://youtu.be/wiHtYKfRrg0 New ScorchCast is up, give it a watch!

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